I’m back! I’ve been back since the 30th actually, but needed a few days to readjust. Going from ‘bonjour mademoiselle’ to ‘eh mami hola hola’ followed by kiss noises can be brutal to some, but at this point I think it’s safe to say I’m a professional. Aside from higher prices, higher temperatures, and possibly more hipsters, home hasn’t changed much. Actually, NY summer seems to be operating pretty normally. The ice cream trucks are making the rounds, the hydrants are pissing into popsicle stick lined streets, and the stoops stay warm around the clock. But what kind of shit-talking blogger (and New Yorker) would I be if I didn’t already have negative things to say about my return? Here are a few short reasons why summer can be a bummer…
I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR CRUSTY ASS TOES
Look, I know it’s hot outside. It’s hot for all of us, and I understand the desire to wear open-toed shoes, but if you’re gonna pull out the havaianas, at least accessorize with a decent fucking pedicure. Nobody wants to see your ashy ass bunions, red soles, or earthquake-crack heels! So many people seem to just ignore their foul feet. Like dude, just because they’re not eye-level, doesn’t mean we don’t see them. The worst though? Sock lint nestled between sweaty toes, better known as toe jam. Ew…
GLADIATOR SANDALS
Time for this trend to die. Simply put, every girl who wears these – cigarette in mouth, blackberry in hand, toting her huge leather biker bag! – is a bitch. I was definitely feeling these via Chanel’s past seasons, but now they’ve become just another wannabe-model-living-in-a-“bad neighborhood” staple. And what about when paired with crusty feet?! Punishment for those wearing them should be to just throw them in a coliseum to be eaten by lions.
SUBWAY SWEAT
It’s pretty easy to hate the subway system in the summer. We already hate it during the other seasons (of course we really love it, but, you know…) so why not even more now, when everyone is half naked and a seat for you means staring at someone’s wedgie or camel toe for a few agonizing minutes. There are worse circumstances though. Have you ever had a wet, hairy armpit in your face? Its inevitable, people are reaching up, trying to hold on, completely oblivious to their surroundings due to the shitty music flooding into and leaking out of their ears. You can tighten your mouth and back your head up as much as you want, but once you get that initial whiff – so strong you can almost taste it – there’s a good chance your day is ruined.
MORE WAYFARERS BANS THAN EVER BEFORE
Why did these become so cool? A few seasons ago it was the white ones, and thankfully that sort of fell of, but it just made way for the rainbow of options you see on every other lamb now! Pink, purple, green, red, blue, fucking…checkered! Everyone is trying to be cool, and different, and ironic…and they all look the same as everybody else! Don’t even get me started on those fucking Kanye glasses.
That’s all I’ve been able to process for now, but it hasn’t even been a week yet! Rest assured, I’m going to be getting back into regular posting shortly, stay tuned. Oh, and don’t waste your money on Wanted, biggest piece of shit I’ve seen in a minute.
Direct Link: http://www.mobliving.com/blog/838
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